


I Can't Breathe When I Think of You

by maxthetransguy



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, But then I wrote angst, Flowers of Death, Fluffy Ending, Forgiveness, Hanahaki Disease, I hope this isn't garbage, I really love shipping Patton with Dark Sides, I wanted Moceit fluff, I'm too gay to function, M/M, Moceit babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, Sad Deceit Sanders, Sad and Sweet, So much angst, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Unrequited Love, but is it?, familial Anxceit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23930551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxthetransguy/pseuds/maxthetransguy
Summary: Deceit has Hanahaki disease. But he knows the object of his affections will never love a snake like him, so he tries to make things right before he dies.
Relationships: Morality | Patton Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 26
Kudos: 167





	I Can't Breathe When I Think of You

**Author's Note:**

> ANGST WARNING. HANAHAKI DISEASE. CHARACTER DYING.  
> I really enjoyed writing this. I fell asleep while writing though and finished it the next day so if it gets awkward I apologize. Anyway, I hope you like it!

I stare at the bloody petal in my palm. I cannot believe this is happening to me. I would never be stupid enough or weak enough to fall for anyone! Still, there is no denying the meaning of flora in my hand. I curl my fingers around the petal in a fist.

I have a few options.

  1. Tell Patton. Not happening.
  2. Make Patton fall in love with me. Unlikely that he ever would, not to mention I’m limited on time.
  3. Ask Logan for help. But I’d rather not let anyone else know at all.
  4. Accept that I’m dying.



I might as well try to make things right with the others before I go. I sigh. This is horrible.

“Hey Big D!” Remus calls as he throws the door to my room open. “How are you?”   
“I’m doing horribly,” I reply. Then I freeze. I was supposed to lie. That was supposed to be a lie. Why can’t I lie?

Remus looks at me in confusion. “What’s wrong, Deceit?”

“DON’T ASK ME THAT!” I yelp.

“What?”   
“I… I can’t lie. So please, avoid asking me anything intrusive,” I say.

If I were anyone else, Remus would take advantage of the inability to lie. But I am the only one Remus respects enough to ignore that impulse.

“I won’t press, but you know you can talk to me if you need anything,” Remus says gently.

I debate telling him, but I know he’d become sick with worry and try to stop it at any cost.

“I know, but for now it’s best to keep this secret,” I say gently. “I’m sorry.”   
“No worries. Ya need anything?”   
“I need to talk to the others. To make things right,” I say.

Remus looks confused. “Okay. Should I come?”

“No, it’s best I do this alone,” I reply.

I head out to look for the other sides. They are all currently in the living room with Thomas. It’s movie night. I take a deep breath and walk in. The reactions are instant.

“AH DECEIT!” Thomas yelps.

Virgil hisses.

“What do you want, Snake?” Roman snaps.

Logan rolls his eyes.

Patton shifts uncomfortably. “Do you want to join movie night?”

I feel my throat tighten.

“Normally, I would, but today… it’s a bit different,” I say. I sigh before continuing. “I wish you weren’t scared of me, Thomas, though I can’t fault you. And I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, Virgil. I cannot make any excuse for that. I… I want to make things right with all of you if you are all willing.”

“Why should we trust you?” Virgil snarls.

I laugh bitterly. “It hurts.”

“What?” Thomas says.

“You okay, kiddo?” Patton asks.

“It hurts that you hate me, Virgil. It hurts that you can’t stand my presence. But what hurts even more is that you should,” I whisper.

“I… you… what?” Virgil stammers.

“Are you lying right now, Deceit?” Roman asks.

“Of course he is. He is Deceit,” Thomas says. “Right?”

I bite my lip. “No. I’m not lying. It appears I am unable to lie at the moment,” I admit.

Virgil looks at me in shock. “You… You’re serious? Please tell me this is a joke. Please tell me you’re making this up.”

I shake my head with a small frown. “I wish I could.”

“I don’t understand. How? You can’t be… Nonononononono,” Virgil starts to panic.

“You know what this means, I’m guessing,” I whisper, not very surprised.

“I… No! You have to be messing with us! Please, I can’t…” Virgil trails off, starting to cry.

I approach Virgil slowly, giving him time to move away. When he doesn’t, I wrap him in a hug. He grips me back tightly.

“I am so sorry for everything I have done to hurt you, little one,” I say.

“It doesn’t matter! I don’t want to lose you!” Virgil sobs.

“What’s going on?” Thomas asks nervously.

I look up at him with a sad smile. “I’m dying, Thomas. And I want to fix things before I do.”   
“You can die?!” Thomas yelps.

“Certainly. A side can die for a multitude of reasons. If it is because the host no longer needs a side, the side simply fades. In this case, I believe when Deceit dies, a new Deceit will appear to fill his place. He will however, not have any of Deceit’s memories and will be a completely new side despite representing the same thing,” Logan explains.

“You didn’t tell me you were dying,” a new voice whispers.

I pull away from Virgil to see Remus standing on the stairs, watching me with teary eyes.

“I didn’t want to upset you, Remus,” I say softly.   
“But you told them? They hate you!” Remus yells.

“Virgil figured it out, I didn’t mean to tell them!” I object.

“What happened? Why are you dying? We can figure out a way to stop it!” Remus starts.

“No. Remus, please, just let it go. Nothing will work,” I say.

Remus growls and sinks out without another word. I whip around to Virgil.

“Virgil, I need you to promise me something,” I beg.

“What is it?”

“I am all that Remus has. And I know he makes you uncomfortable, but he can’t help what he was made to do. When I’m gone, he’ll need someone to be there for him. Please, help him. Don’t make him be alone. The others, they accepted you. You need to convince them to accept him too. He can’t… I’m scared of what might happen to him if he’s all alone.”

Virgil nods. “I should have done that already. With both of you.”   
I smile and brush his hair away from his eyes. “You were angry. I don’t blame you.”

“Deceit, are you sure there’s nothing that can be done?” Roman asks quietly.

“Nothing I am willing to do,” I reply.

A warm hand touches my arm, and I flinch away, knowing it’s Patton.

“We should have been here for you, Deceit. I’m so sorry,” Patton whispers.

“I don’t blame you,” I reply with a bitter laugh. “I wouldn’t want me around either.”

“Oh, Dee,” Patton murmurs.

“Please stop. Please don’t pity me,” I snap.

“How long do you have left?” Roman asks.

“Roman!” Thomas scolds.

“I don’t know. Could be hours, could be days,” I reply quietly.

“Why don’t we use the time you have left to make up for not being there?” Roman suggests.

“That’s a great idea!” Patton says.

Virgil rests his head on my shoulder. “Up to you, Dee.”

I hesitate. “It might be a nice way to go. But I want Remus to be here.”

Roman sighs. “Fine.”

I glare at him. “Don’t be obnoxious. Everyone says Remus is the evil twin, but all he wanted was his brother, but you rejected him and vilified him. The least you could do is be nice to him.”

Roman looks shocked.

I stand. “Let me get Remus.”

“I’ll come with you,” Virgil says.

“You don’t need to. I probably won’t keel over in the hallway,” I say.

“I abandoned you before. I won’t leave you again. Especially not now,” Virgil replies calmly.

I frown and look away, hoping they don’t see the tears filling my eyes.

“We’ll be waiting here for you!” Patton says with a small smile.

I feel petals clawing their way up my throat. With a small cough, I nod and sink out to find Remus, Virgil following. We head to his room. There are crashing noises inside. I knock gently. Something smashes against the door.

“GO AWAY!” Remus screams.

“Remus, please let me come in,” I whisper, voice hoarse from the petals trying to tear their way out.

“NO!”

I go to knock again, but I can’t keep down the flowers any more. I start coughing, the metallic taste of blood filling my mouth. I stumble and try to catch myself on the wall. Virgil grabs me and lowers me to the ground.

“Remus!” Virgil cries. “Something’s happening!”   
The flora spill from my mouth as I continue to cough, feeling ready to vomit. It isn’t just the petals this time. There are some full flowers now. I sob in pain as the bloody flowers fall to the floor, staining the carpet.

“Oh God, what the hell is this? There are FLOWERS?” Virgil shrieks.

“Hanahaki? Why didn’t you tell us?” Remus whispers. I didn’t notice him come out.

“Didn’t want to look weak,” I admit. “And I knew he’d never love me back. No one would.”

“Remus, why the FUCK IS DECEIT PUKING FLOWERS?” Virgil yells.

“Hanahaki disease,” I rasp. “Comes from unrequited love.”   
“Oh god. And it’s going to kill you? What if the person loves you back?” Virgil asks.

“It could save him! Dee, who is it? We can figure out how to save you!” Remus shouts.

“NO. He will NEVER love me. No one could,” I snarl.

“That’s not true!” Virgil says.

I glare at him. “How can you of all people say that? I’m a liar. A snake. A Dark Side.”

“Okay, but what if you get over it? That could save you!” Remus says.

“I don’t have time. And even if I did, I don’t think I ever could,” I reply tiredly. “Please, promise me that you won’t tell the others. I don’t want them to know.”   
“Why not?” Virgil asks.

Remus sighs. “Virgil, if someone died because they had Hanahaki for you, how would you feel?”

Virgil’s eyes widen in understanding. “You don’t want this person to feel guilty for being the reason.”

“He doesn’t deserve the guilt. I don’t want him in pain,” I whisper.

“Okay. I won’t tell them. On one condition,” Virgil says.

“A condition?”

“You can’t give up. You have to try. I don’t want to lose you.”   
I sigh, but before I can reply, there’s a shriek behind me. I whip around to see Logan, Patton, and Roman, all staring at the bloody flora in horror.

“What are you doing here?!” I cry.

“We were worried. You were taking a while. Deceit, is that what I think it is?” Roman asks.

I flinch and look away. “I’ll clean it up. I know how to get blood out of fabric after living with Remus.”

“No way, Double D. You’re going downstairs with those bitches while I clean this up,” Remus declares.

Virgil helps me up. “Come on, Deceit. You heard the trash rat.”

I nod and lean against Virgil as we head back to the living room where Thomas is waiting.

“Hey! You were taking so long! I was worried. Are you okay? Where’s Remus?” Thomas blurts.

“I’m surprised you want Remus to be here,” I say awkwardly.

Thomas frowns. “Well, he unnerves me. Honestly, you do too. But you are a part of me. Both of you. And I need to learn to accept every part of me. Besides, he is your friend and I want you to be comfortable since…” he trails off.

“Since I’m dying,” I finish.

“We can stop that though!” Roman says. “Hanahaki, right?”

“Hana-whaty? I’m a little lost, kiddos,” Patton says nervously.

“Hanahaki is a fictional disease. According to lore, when one is harboring unrequited love, flowers grow in their lungs. The flowers will gradually suffocate the person from within until the person in question dies or their love is returned. Since this is a fictional disease, accounts vary. Some stories include surgeries where removing the flowers will cause the love for that person to disappear, or sometimes any capability to love at all. Other accounts claim that sometimes, even if the romantic feelings are returned, the flowers will grow regardless if the patient believes the object of their affections doesn’t return them,” Logan explains.

“Thanks Mr. Exposition,” I mutter.

“If it’s a fictional disease, how does Deceit have it?” Thomas asks.

I look at him. “Technically, I am not real. None of us are. We are mental beings. Therefore, anything is possible for us.”

“Oh. Right.”

“What I’m saying is if you’re dying of unrequited love, we just have to make sure that the love is requited!” Roman says. “So who is it?”

“Are you kidding me? You can’t force love! It happens on its own! It can’t be persuaded like that! And fake love won’t work either! It has to be real. And Roman, I won’t say who it is, so please refrain from asking.”

“Why not tell us? You’re dying anyway,” Roman states.

“Shut up, Princey,” Virgil hisses.

I wave Virgil away and look Roman in the eye. “What if it was you? What if I was dying because you didn’t love me. Once I died, how would you feel? Wouldn’t you feel guilty? Wouldn’t you tear yourself up because if only you had been able to love me, I would be alive and happy? The guilt would rip any good person apart. So no. I will not say who. I will, quite literally, take that secret to the grave to save this person from the guilt. I don’t care if there is even the slightest chance of him loving me back if I say it. I would die for him. And I am.”

The others stare at me, shocked into silence.

“Deceit, I-”

I cut Roman off. “Don’t bother. This was a bad idea. I should go.” I start to leave, but pause. “I know I cannot atone for my mistakes, and it’s too late now, anyhow. Just, take care of Remus.”

I leave before they can say anything else. I lie down in my bed, my whole body feeling weak and sore.

It’s about an hour later when there’s a soft knock on my door.

“Yea?” I rasp.

My throat is killing me. It’s harder to breathe. I think time is almost up.

“Hey, Dee. It’s Patton. Can I come in?”

Patton. I want to see him before I die. I don’t want to be alone when I do.

“Please.”

The door opens, and Patton walks in. He smiles softly at me. I try to sit up, but even that has me struggling. He is immediately by my side, helping me upright.

“It’s getting worse,” he whispers.

I nod. “I think I’m about to…” I trail off. He nods, frowning. “Can you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Of course, Dee.”

He sits next to me on my bed and I lean into his warmth. I feel so cold.

“I’m scared,” I breathe.

“That’s understandable,” he replies softly.

“Would it be too much to ask that you stay with me until I die?”

“I’ll be with you the whole time, Dee. Do you want to put on a movie or would you rather just cuddle?”

“Both?”

Patton smiles. “That’s doable. What do you want to watch?”

“Willy Wonka?” I suggest shyly.

“Sounds perfect.”

Patton pulls over my laptop and pulls up the movie. I curl closer to Patton as we watch it. If it weren’t for the flowers in my lungs, I could actually believe that he might love me.

I look up at him. He’s crying.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

Patton hastily rubs his eyes. “It’s stupid. I’m fine.”

“Talk to me,” I say gently.

“I don’t want you to die. Of course I don’t want you to die, but dying from this makes it worse. Whoever it’s for, they’re stupid for not realizing how amazing you are and loving you,” Patton rambles.

“Pat, I-”

“It’s so stupid that I’m getting upset. Like, I’m jealous. How ridiculous is that? I’m jealous of whoever is literally killing you, I mean, there must be something wrong with me,” Patton laughs bitterly.

“What are you talking about?” I ask, horrified.

“This is probably the worst time to say anything, but I can’t not say it. I’m in love with you, Dee. I have been for the longest time,” Patton says.

“What? No. You can’t!” I shout, jerking away from him.

“I’m sorry, Dee, but I couldn’t let you die without telling you,” Patton whispers.

“YOU’RE LYING!” I scream.

Patton looks shocked. “What? Of course I’m not! I wouldn’t lie about this, Dee.”   
“If you love me then why the hell am I dying?” I snarl.

“What are you saying? Am I the reason?”

“Of course you are!”

“Dee, you love me?”

I sob. “Leave me alone. I don’t need your pity.”

“This isn’t pity, Dee. I love you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Dee, I… Can I kiss you?” Patton asks.

I nod nervously, moving closer to him. Patton cups my cheek in his hand and gently kisses me. For a moment, things are perfect. But nothing gold can stay.

Pain tears through my body. My lungs feel tight. I yank away and hunch over.

“It hurts,” I whimper.

“What’s wrong? The flowers?” Patton says. I nod. “But if it’s me why are they there?”

I open my mouth to answer, but instead, bloody and flowers spurt out.

“DEE!” Patton shrieks.

I’m choking on the petals. Black starts to fill my vision. I hear Patton screaming and crying as I drift into unconsciousness.

I gain awareness in a warm area. I feel very light. My lungs are clear. Am I dead? There is something warm against my side.

I force my eyes open. I’m in Patton’s room. Patton is cuddled up to me.

“Patton?” I mutter.

Patton flies up and stares at me with wide, teary eyes.

“You’re awake! You’re okay!” he whispers. He wraps me into a big hug. “I was so scared.”

“What happened?” I ask.

Patton pulls away and smiles sadly. “The flowers are gone. Logan said you had Hanahaki because you thought I didn’t love you. So when you found out, the flowers needed to leave, but they clogged up your throat and you stopped breathing. Logan helped clear your throat and you’ve been unconscious for three days.”

I nod slowly. “I’m not going to die?”

Patton smiles. “You’re going to be fine.”

I can’t help but smile and hug him. He hugs me back and I feel tears drip onto my shoulder.

“You saved me,” I whisper.

Patton pulls away. “I love you. I should have told you sooner. Maybe if I had this wouldn’t have happened.”

“I should have been honest about it from the start,” I counter.

Patton shrugs. “Well, your name is Deceit.”   
I smile at him. “Actually it’s Eugene.”   
“Wait what?”

I laugh. “Teasing. It’s… It’s actually Janus.”

Patton looks at me in awe. “You told me your name?”

I frown. “I… well, it makes sense to tell you. After all we….” I trail off. We aren’t dating. We are barely even friends. “But I would prefer the others not know as of now.”

“I appreciate it, Janus. And your secret is safe with me,” Patton says with a soft smile. “But… was that a Tangled reference?”   
“Guilty as charged,” I tease.

Patton giggles as he snuggles against my side. We sit in comfortable silence for a while, then Patton shifts.

“What are we?” he asks softly. “I mean, we confessed and all that, but do you want to be more?”

I look at him with a raised eyebrow. “Seeing as I almost died for you, I would say you owe it to me to be my boyfriend.”

Patton smiles at me. “I will gladly accept this task to repay you for your near sacrifice.”

The door suddenly opens. “Hey Pat. Just checking- OH MY GOD DEE!”

Virgil flies forward and hugs me.

“Hello Shadow,” I greet.

“You’re okay! I was so scared. Me and Ree have been hanging out and when you have intrusive thoughts and anxiety feeding off each other, well, we’re pretty sure you were gonna die but you aren’t dead and oh god I’m so happy you’re not dead!” Virgil babbles.

I hug him and smile at Patton. Patton kisses my forehead.

“I’ll go let Thomas and the others know,” Patton says.

“I should stretch my legs. I will join you,” I say, standing.

Patton grabs my hand, and we head out to find the others.

**Author's Note:**

> How was it? So I hate to sound desperate, but let's face it, I am. Please comment. Kudos are great but comments fuel my life force. I always love hearing feedback! Help me improve my writing or tell me what I should change or keep! Just give me your thoughts. Love you all! Stay safe during this shitty time. EDIT: I changed one teensy thing based on the new episode (I won't say what it is for those who haven't seen it but if you've seen it you know what I'm talking about.)


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